Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
