I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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