I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
love makes seman taste better
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
