You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
