i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
im holly from the hills drunk
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
