now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
