im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
