She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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