how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
