I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
