I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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