mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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