I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
