please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
