her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you didnt know i had herpes?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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