Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
