i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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