Just fell off a train. Bad.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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