i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I can feel your judgement through the phone
The Olympian is in my bed
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize