I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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