Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
