If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
