how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
