you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
