I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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