She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
