Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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