just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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