I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
