i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
