And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize