She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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