Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
