I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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