if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
