Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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