its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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