after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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