he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
No...this little piggys going to the bar
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
