well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize