I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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