**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
