i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Boobs speak an international language.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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