Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
