I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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