Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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