I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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