there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
