i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
