I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
