I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
