Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
