so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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