I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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