the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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