nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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