did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My vagina is very pro this idea
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