Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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