You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
