It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
