I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
