sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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