just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
