I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
