I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
