when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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