My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
