I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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